A little whisper in the dark

Dreams

I used to have recurring dreams, unfulfilled ones. Well, I read a lot when I was younger, read about all the places around the world that's described in intricate detail that you were almost there, authors that bring you on a journey, that you really wanted to be there.

Maybe that's why I used to dream about going travelling a lot, more specifically, flying. And I would never get to the point where I would get to my destination. I could dream that I was at the airport, checked in, boarded the plane, strapped in......

And then it always get interrupted - I would be shaken awake to go to school, or I would wake up on my own accord. I could never place why it was such, it wasn't like I hadn't flown before. In fact, when I first boarded the flight to Brisbane to begin my uni, I was half expecting to be woken up from it, and that it was a dream.

But here it is, and here I am, unless it was that elaborate a dream. When times gets tough, work has hit snags and deadlines pile up, I sometimes ask myself "Is this what you really wanted?" I'm just one of thousands of Asian students down here, chasing a piece of paper in exchange for large sums of money. Its hard to ignore the fact that in today's harsh world, universities need full-fee paying students to survive, and foreign students are too good to pass up. I don't think I would be far off in thinking that the cut-off points for local students is much higher than it is for internationals.

So the Australians you see in the good unis are there because they're good. The internationals you see in the good unis, maybe they're good, maybe they are not, but they sure paid for their place here (with a few notable full scholarship exceptions). And since they've paid their place, let's give them a bit of a challenge, then? I dislike being patronized, but that seems to be the way things are headed these days for me.

I take nothing away from those international students who can genuinely do well, they deserve their academic honours. I've always felt that while it isn't easy to make the Dean's List, it isn't easy to fail either; you'd almost have to purposely fail it, any moderate bit of effort would be adequate to get a pass grade.

And I've seen both types of students, the kind that hits the books from day one, and the kind that never hits the books at all. Then the reason I do it comes back to me: the reason I do it, is because its not only my own dreams anymore - I carry the dreams of my parents, for they've bankrolled a large portion of the cost. I carry the dreams of all those who bothered to lend a helping hand to me leading up to and during these two years I am over here.

I won't let those dreams down.

posted by Chung Leong @ 12:44 AM 2 comments

He was right, after all

At the early stages of my honours project, Daryl kept telling me to read, and read, but I'm like the horse that you can't lead to water if its not thirsty - but eventually thirsty I became; there was a report due and I needed to make up 15 pages of text.

As the pages started coming together, the technical terms and procedures started to sound like they made some sense, then finally (though rather disturbingly, as end of the semester is near!) I had a clearer idea of the whole honours project. These days I'm busier as there are real things to take care of, materials to avail, measurements to take, people to meet. Time is running out quickly just as everyone has predicted, but only that I had been blissfully unaware.

So there's a real sense of purpose nowadays and I can't say there's anything wrong with that. Having a purpose is integral to being driven to do something. Having something worth fighting for. Even if it means I have to back-track and work doubly hard now to make up for what I did wrong, or didn't do before.

I know I don't have to do all the things I do, but I want to.

posted by Chung Leong @ 11:18 PM 0 comments